Where it all began…

When I think about where my confidence struggles began, I realise there are so many tangled threads that it’s hard to find any one definitive moment. It’s more like a series of things that happened, words that were said, and strategies I developed, that led to me feeling…well, basically a bit crap about myself!

Like many people, I could pinpoint pivotal moments from childhood. It’s also clear that experiences in adolescence and early adulthood taught me things about the world that I took on board and made a part of my armoury. Which may have been all well and good in early life, but what worries a five year old isn’t necessarily very helpful for a grown woman.

And yet there I was, throughout my adult life, viewing the world through the eyes of an uncertain and fearful child who didn’t believe she could really trust anybody, complicated by the unreleased anger of my teenage self who needed nobody. What a mess!

I was fiercely independent which meant I worked really hard to never have to rely on anyone. In my career I got promoted several times, and became a senior exec. However, that ran alongside deep insecurity. So while it all looked good on the outside, there were so many times that I just felt dreadful about myself. I compared myself to everyone else. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought I didn’t deserve success.

And no one saw it, at least not at work. They all thought I really had it together. The only people who really knew what was going on inside was my wonderful husband and a very lovely friend. They were the ones that would hear me say ‘I can’t’ or ‘I’m no good’. It makes me sad to look back at it, to be honest.

I didn’t notice everything I already was, or appreciate eveything I had. I was just tied up in anxiety about the future.

One day, I found out my son was seriously ill. If I could choose a moment when things started to change, I would choose that moment. It was one of those situations where you could really only deal with the present. And it absolutely made me understand that what really mattered to me was the people I loved. The rest of it became completely immaterial to me. It was a terrifying time, but a real lesson in learning to let go, and the beginning of my long (and ongoing) journey to living my life with a different mindset.

In this series of blog posts I’m going to share with you the things I’ve learned that led me to confidence, and tips and strategies you can use to get on that path yourself.

Enjoy!

Debbie